wedding

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Sunday, September 21, 2014

Saturday Bliss

My childhood weekends were amazing. Many Friday nights, we would go with Dad to Blockbuster and pick out dumb kiddie movies for the weekend while he chose something for him and Mom or a family movie for all of us. We would have the weekend to watch and re-watch our selection.

In nice weather (and most of the memories I've held onto are from nice-weather days), I would wake up lazily on a Saturday to hear a lawn mower somewhere in the neighborhood, maybe feel a cool breeze. (Am I making that memory up? Were our windows ever open at night?) We would watch Saturday morning cartoons or Nickelodeon while Dad made pancakes or French toast or waffles. This was the only day we had a breakfast like this, so it was really special. Sometimes I would help him beat an egg in a little glass Garfield mug we had gotten during a promotion at McDonald's.

Weekends also meant yardwork or home improvement for Dad, and often this required a trip to Lowe's or Wal-Mart. He would practically beg one or more of us to accompany him. Poor Dad just wanted to spend some weekend time with his kids, and we often had to be dragged! Lowe's utterly bored me; I was more interested in the Wal-Mart trips because I could bring my saved up allowance and very carefully select a new Barbie.

My brother and sister and I would sometimes play Nintendo and other times play outside, riding our bikes or playing in the fields and the woods, occasionally with neighbor kids. Sometimes there would be a neighborhood yard sale, and we would walk up and down every street to eye the goods, often spending our allowance on other people's old crap, like a toddler stroller that we would use for our dolls. One woman made homemade lollipops to sell, and that was always a treat!

Sometimes there were baseball games, dance recitals, bowling league. There was usually church on Sundays, often followed by fast food as a special treat. But when I think about my childhood weekends, the feeling I come away with is relaxation. We had our whole family together, we had open stretches of time to just play and be together, we had total separation from the rest of the week.

Being pregnant makes me think about the kind of family life I want to create for my child. There is so much pressure up here for kids to be involved in ALL THE ACTIVITIES. And my wife has a large local extended family, which I'm so grateful to have because that's something I never had as a kid, but it also means every other weekend seems to be booked with baptisms, first communions, birthdays, bridal showers, weddings, baby showers. I'm excited for my child to be involved with family, and I look forward to spending our two precious full days together as a family doing fun things and going on outings together, but I hope I also remember the simple value of just being around each other, finding ways to entertain ourselves in our cozy nest and really stepping out of the weekday rush to refocus as a family unit, to just live, and interact, and be.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

There You Are!

Today we saw the first picture of what will be our baby - meaning, we couldn't see the little bug itself, but saw the sac that it's being created in. It was like a little dark pea right in the middle. She pointed out the "yolk" and the "donut" and said the lining looked beautiful, my numbers are beautiful, and the growth looks great. I teared up and started to feel my first real attachment to THIS baby, not just the idea of a baby-to-come. It was an amazing moment, looking at it together, knowing it was in there safe and sound. Getting all these early sonograms is an up side to our involvement with a fertility clinic!

Two weeks til the heartbeat. The six days between our scare and today felt sooo long, but I have a feeling this next two weeks is going to be even worse! My best friend gave me a book called Fearless Pregnancy that has a doctor and a midwife break down the irrationality behind a lot of warnings well-meaning people and books will give you. One of the things discussed is the three-month-wait and how actually it should be like a seven-week-wait because once you hear the heartbeat, you have less than a 2% chance of miscarrying. That is very reassuring, but also makes me super eager to get to that point! This feels like such a fragile two weeks.


Monday, September 15, 2014

"The Pregnancy Journal"

My dear friend and coworker, who has been such a support throughout this journey, sent me "The Pregnancy Journal" by A. Christine Harris. It looks like a spiral-bound notebook and tells me what is happening on each day of the pregnancy, and then gives me places to make comments, notate my weight and waist size, check off symptoms, etc. It's fascinating to read every day what is happening inside my body - and also to be able to log a little bit about what's going on. So perfect for me!

Before going into the day-by-day descriptions, there are questions to answer to help you process everything. I enjoyed answering them, and want to share them here.

Was your pregnancy planned or a surprise?
Planned to the utmost!

When did you begin to think about having this baby?
For so many years! But real planning began in July 2013.

When did you first suspect you were pregnant?
The day before our blood test because my breasts were slightly swollen - but didn't believe it!

When your pregnancy was confirmed, how did you react?
I shrieked and ran to Nicole, then soon started trembling and crying. I was in such happy shock!

How long did it take to become pregnant? Did it seem quick or slow?
Slowww! It took six months, five very expensive cycles, and two donors.

What is the best thing about being pregnant?
Knowing my body is capable of partnering with God to create life, being treated so special, imagining what our family will be like, feeling the changes in me.

What challenges do you foresee with this pregnancy?
Medical complications due to my high blood pressure and slightly high blood sugar. Adoption process for Nicole. Hearing ignorant, offensive, or otherwise hurtful remarks and questions.

Who were the first to know you were pregnant and what were their reactions?
Our parents and siblings, our clergy, and our close friends who have supported us all along the way. They were surprised and ecstatic!

What was the first thing you bought specifically for this baby?
Nicole bought a "Lil Mets Fan on Board" car sticker a few years ago!

What hopes and dreams do you have for your baby?
I want our baby to be happy, healthy, and whole. I want our child to learn from their mistakes and not be defeated by them. I want our child to be kind and compassionate and be committed to making the world a better place in whatever way they are called to do so. I want him/her to always feel LOVED.

What are the most important qualities you can nurture as a parent?
Finding balance between firmness and flexibility, being unconditionally affectionate, letting your child learn through their own exploration and experience, providing consistency and guidance.

What were the best things about your parents as parents?
Their love for each other, their high expectations of us, their playfulness and affection, their focus on family as first priority.

What role do you see your family playing in your baby's life?
Support, extra hands when we need help, traditions, giving our child a sense of deep belonging and being surrounded by love and adoration.

Have you picked any names? What names would you consider?
I don't want to say yet because we have only just scratched the surface of that discussion!

Are there names to which you would say, "Absolutely not!"?
Probably a ton.

Do you want to know as soon as you can if it's a girl or a boy? Why or why not?
No - finding that out at birth is one of the few special surprises left in life - and it doesn't matter!

What one thing do you want your baby to be sure to have that you didn't?
Stability - one neighborhood, one school, one synagogue, friends for life.

Whose facial and physical characteristics do you want your baby to inherit?
Nicole, to keep people from just assuming I was the one pregnant.

Whose emotional and personality characteristics do you want your baby to inherit?
The best of both! Loyalty, compassion, reason and passion balanced, playfulness, commitment.

What tasks do you need to accomplish before the baby is born?
Pay off the credit card we used for this cycle. Secure daycare. Enjoy our final months as a family of two - go to a show, spend time in the city, take a trip that we wouldn't do with a child. Read and learn a lot! Start adoption process with a lawyer. Create wills.


Sunday, September 14, 2014

Early Symptoms

I will be five weeks on Monday, and I read on my WebMD pregnancy app (which has really cool images and facts about each week - the science of pregnancy, not the fluff, though I have an app for that too) that this week is the most important as far as influencing the creation of the gestational sac and how it will support and nurture my baby. So I'm taking a week-long vacation from Flonase. My doctor said it would only be an issue if you were injecting it into your uterus, but that it stays in your nasal passages and it's better for my baby that I'm breathing well and getting enough oxygen. He said his own wife used Flonase throughout all her pregnancies. I tried anyway about a month ago to see if I could go without it, to see if Zyrtec by itself would be sufficient to manage my allergies, and I made it about four or five days before I became miserable with sneezing and congestion. I know the benefits should outweigh the risks when considering any medication in pregnancy, and clearly that is the case here, but I want to try to make it through week five without it. Just that one crucial week, and then I'll return to my regular medication regimen.

In the meantime, my symptoms are few but severe, which is comforting. I welcome anything that reminds me I'm pregnant and lets me know that things are probably going the way they should be. My breasts have been tender and my nipples sore since Monday, and it's only gotten worse by the day. I know that as my body adjusts to the rising hormone levels, that will decrease, but until then it's reassuring. Nicole asks me every couple of hours, "They still hurt, right? Good." We are both comforted by these signs. They're also quite a bit bigger, which I'm thoroughly enjoying since I've never made it past a B cup (and that's only because I'm wide enough that they don't have A cups in my size, or else I could probably fit into that) so it's nice to look down and see them filling out.

I've had a few smell sensitivities. My first was before the positive test, and actually the day that I had broken down crying because I was convinced I wasn't pregnant. My coworker came into my office with her lunch, and I said, "ughhh, what is that smell??" She was a bit insulted and said, "it's just beef! Hibachi beef." I apologized for my reaction but wanted to gag as the odor filled my office. Then the Tuesday after finding out, someone brought ribs into our team meeting and the smell grossed me out.

Yesterday's incident was the craziest, though. I was taking a shower and suddenly smelled old, wet towels. I guess that's mildew. I looked around to see if there were old towels around, and there weren't. It was so overpowering that I couldn't just finish showering. I was on a mission: must find and eradicate the source of this odor! It wasn't until I was sniffing every surface of the shower that I realized this wasn't normal, and also that it's not something that would have built up overnight, so why wouldn't I have noticed it yesterday if it was so strong today? I finally identified the source of it, where the sliding glass doors overlap, and I scrubbed those areas down until they smelled beautiful and I could focus on my shower again.

I didn't intend for my blog to be a "pregnancy journal," but it's going to serve that purpose as well since I want to remember this experience.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Our Big Scare

What a roller coaster this week has been!! We took the pregnancy test Friday night and called our families while shaking and crying. Saturday we went to the doctor for bloodwork so they could make it official, and on our way back, we stopped by the temple to catch our rabbi before Torah study so we could shriek with her excitedly and hug her. We knew her time was short so we kept it brief, and then I followed up with an email giving her a lot more details and saying this is what we wanted to gush about with her if we'd had thirty minutes or so instead of two. Then we told select friends who have been super supportive and deserve not to have to wait three months to share in our joy when we've been dragging them into our frustrations and anxieties for the last six.

We had a few days of bliss like this. Six days, to be exact. Then last night, I went to the bathroom and a dark red blob just fell out of me and into the toilet. I felt it go and my heart sank when I looked down because there wasn't blood anywhere else (as I assume there would be for typical spotting), just this blob that just had to be the gestational sac because what else could it be?? Nicole and I ran a gamut of emotions together. We saw the disappointment of all the things we had dreamed of - the clothes my mother had already purchased excitedly for her future grandchild, how perfect the birth date/month was for my maternity leave, how pregnant I would be for certain events and holidays. Then we felt the weight of the $3000 we still owe for the $4000 procedure and how we would pay that off AND save up again in a reasonable amount of time. And then we felt the emotional loss of losing this potential, this budding life that we were trying so hard to nurture into someone who would join our family.

I tried to accept it at first, saying, "There's nothing we can do about it, it is what it is," and "At least I know I'm capable of getting pregnant now." Within twenty minutes, the shock had subsided and I just felt so devastated. I began shaking and crying, for the exact opposite reasons that I had been just six days earlier.

I called the on-call service and a nurse immediately answered. She was one from my office so she knew me right away and was so sweet and reassuring. She told me there are a million things it could be and I shouldn't panic yet. She told me to come in at 7:30 for a sonogram and bloodwork but that I should relax and not worry all night. You can guess how well I was able to follow that advice. I spent at least an hour Googling "four-week miscarriages" to try to find descriptions from people of what it looks and feels like. Most described it as a white sac with blood vessels running through it, and lots of blood overall. Not what I witnessed, but it didn't comfort me.

At the sonogram, my doctor said she couldn't see the gestational sac because it's too soon. (I'm scheduled for my 5-week sonogram next week.) She saw one tiny dot that COULD be that, because it stayed still while the rest of the tiny dots moved as the wand moved, but she couldn't at all be sure. She did say that everything else looked good - lining still thick, no bleeding in the lining, no fluid on the uterus, nothing to make her think that something had gone wrong.

I waited anxiously at work all day before getting the call after 1:00 that my hcg levels were normal. In the meantime, I had poured my heart out to a couple of my friends at work, and one of them, a mother of two, shared that she had had four miscarriages. She said even very early miscarriages are like the worst period of your life, and that there's no way I had miscarried if I didn't feel severe cramping and have lots of bleeding. She said, "It doesn't just 'ploop' out of you that smoothly. You wouldn't be at work today if you had miscarried, believe me." This was very reassuring.

So I'm 90% reassured. I read a lot into every back cramp, thinking it feels worse and this must be it, here it comes, I'm about to miscarry. But I do believe it's in there right now. I think. I hope. I won't feel fully okay until I see it on sonogram next Wednesday. But I think I'll be okay til then.

We have gone from the heights of ecstasy to the depths of despair to cautious optimism in less than a week's time. This little bug is giving us a run for our money!

Monday, September 8, 2014

The Secret Cycle

We kept this cycle private, so I'm writing about it as I go and will publish it all at once afterward, for better or worse.

Sunday August 10
At a cousin's wedding reception, I said something to my wife about having told most people that we aren't trying again until about December, while I secretly hope that we can try maybe in October but be able to keep it secret. My ever-practical, super money-conscious wife said, "Let's just do it. Put it on your credit card and we'll figure it out." I said, "Can we really?? If you're not 100% serious, tell me now, because I'm going to get this ball rolling!" We decided not to tell anyone so there's no pressure. What we saw as support the first four times now feels a little more stressful as we begin a fifth cycle. Fifth. It typically happens within three if it's going to happen, and doctors are talking IVF at this point. We're stressed and broke. And I just don't think we can emotionally handle constantly updating people and having them check in. Not this time. Not when we know it's our final attempt at insemination. I checked my period tracker app and noted that my period was due the next day, starting my next cycle just in time.

Monday August 11
Got my period - here we go! I knew that once I got the green light from my wife, I needed to take charge of it, only telling her details when she asks, so that she can lay back and trust me and not second guess herself. It's mutually understood that I have to keep her out of it until she's ready. So I did all the paperwork needed to order sperm from a new bank. My clinic and the bank communicated with me and with one another in record time, and by that afternoon, it was confirmed that the "specimen" would arrive at the clinic by Thursday.

Thursday August 14
FedEx notified me that the delivery was successful. OUR SPERM IS WAITING FOR US! I can't explain my attachment to this donor. It's odd and not something I've felt before. But I desperately want it to be him. I feel connected already and want him to share in the creation of our baby. I didn't feel anything like this with the last donor, and even though I tend not to be superstitious, I can't help but hope that's a sign and that maybe the first four didn't work because that person was not meant to be our donor.

Friday August 15
I slipped and told my best friend. I trust her implicitly and had a breakdown while visiting her and her baby today. She was so concerned and comforting that I felt like I had to tell her so that she knew there was hope on the horizon. I couldn't make her endure seeing me collapse and also have her feel pity that I can't try again for four months when I knew we were doing one more try now. I told her that I didn't want to talk about it or for her to ask about it, and so I wouldn't be telling her dates of when anything is happening, but that I just wanted her to know we're giving it one more go.

Wednesday August 20
I have one follicle at 12mm and my lining is not quite ready. It's only Day 10 so no one is very surprised by this, and I'm told to come back Friday. I told my wife that I'm positive that I'll be going in Saturday and Sunday, based on how it's tended to go for me in the past. This is amazing for two reasons. First, I'm not forced into disclosing to my supervisor when I have to suddenly take two days off of work, and I really didn't want to have to tell her we were trying again when our own families didn't know. Second, we had made peace with the fact that Nicole couldn't accompany me to the insemination appointments because it's in eastern Long Island and she just started a new job in Manhattan a month ago. It's too soon for her to have the luxury of coming in a few hours late two days in a row. What are the odds that this time it would happen on a weekend, BOTH days, so that she can be with me and we can really keep it secret?

Friday August 22
My PA was out, so a nurse I've never met was covering and did my sonogram. She was surprised that my 12mm follicle had grown to 18mm in just two days, and that my lining had thickened so nicely so quickly. I was not surprised. I've gotten to know my body's patterns, what cycles look like for me, much more intimately than I ever would have imagined. There was a second follicle at 12mm. (Only two this time, not the four I got last time - but that's kind of a comfort, because if my issue was really just incompatible sperm, I could easily end up with quadruplets once that's changed up!)

I told Nicole that I really thought I was right about it happening on the weekend, that my 18mm would probably be ready to pop Saturday, and after taking the trigger shot Friday, my 12mm would probably be ready Sunday. She said she was betting on Sunday and Monday. I started to doubt myself and fretted about what I have going on at work Monday morning. Then I got the call to take the shot at 8:30 or 9:00PM, go in at 9:30 Saturday for insemination, and then go back for a second Sunday at 8:30. PERFECTION. So I took my syringe with me to Shabbat services and slipped out between the service and the oneg (dessert reception) to hide in the coat check area and give myself the shot before rejoining my community.

I'm hopeful all over again. I've been anxious, depressed, and emotional over this for so long. But now that I'm really scheduled to go out there, and I have a different vision and connection with a new donor, I'm feeling so excited and hopeful. On an intellectual level, I'm nervous about my optimism because I know the crash could be really bad. But my feelings just are what they are. I can't seem to prevent myself from being utterly devastated. It helps already, though, not to be talking about it. Knowing I can give people constant updates feeds an obsession that just isn't good for me at this point in the game. I need to be able to focus elsewhere whenever possible, and that's easier to do when it's not an available topic of conversation.

Saturday August 23
Apparently my PA was out yesterday because she's working this weekend!! She was covering at the Melville clinic. She came into the room so cheerful and hugged me, saying, "I can't believe I get to do not just one, but BOTH of your inseminations this time! Maybe it will be a good luck charm!" She is the one who has been dealing with me since the beginning (except for the few times Dr. K made an appearance for the cyst and "the talk" after three failed cycles), who has seen my gamut of emotions, who has been like a psuedo-therapist while I'm crying during bloodwork after getting a negative home test. And she was so genuinely happy to be out in Melville today and able to do my IUIs herself. And I felt like she was more invested in it because she isn't just the random Melville nurse who happens to get me, but someone who has been with me all along the journey and knows how much is at stake with this attempt.

She was kind and attentive to a greater degree than the nurses who have done my IUIs up to now. And they were sweet and put me greatly at ease, too! But she just took it to another level of sensitivity, maybe because she actually knows me. She explained everything she was doing and why, and immediately afterward, she pulled the little leaf out that I could rest my feet on and pulled the sheet down to preserve my modesty while I put my feet up. Such a small detail, but something no one else has done; I'm usually awkwardly scrambling after they put the stirrups away because my feet are just kind of flailing and I'm trying to scoot back so I can put them up and lay flat.

My big follicle was nice and mature, but she said the second wasn't growing and didn't look viable. That's fine with me since they didn't miss the big one like they did last time! I was surprised that my body responded so much to this very low dose of Clomid last time (4 eggs) and this time, not so much. But I was okay with that because if the sperm was really the only issue and I'll get pregnant easily with this new donor, I don't want to end up with multiples! One good egg is perfect if this is the sperm that gets it done.

And speaking of which...there were 20 MILLION! We are using California Cryobank, which is more expensive but has already given us a more professional and impressive experience, and the PA said she really feels like their samples are better and they screen their donors more selectively so she always recommends them. I told her we had used Manhattan Cryo because our friend had used them and got pregnant the first time, so we had just assumed it must be good! But I had most vials with only about 8 million in them, one with 10, and one with 15. The 15 was such an anomaly - and here we got 20 the first time! It could also be an anomaly, and maybe tomorrow there will only be 9. But right now I'm pretty damn happy.

Sunday August 24
24 MILLION!!!! That is all.

Sunday September 7
It's hard for me to take time to blog on work nights, and my sister, brother-in-law, and baby niece have been visiting over the weekend, so I haven't been great about updating live. But let me recap the torturous two-week wait.

The first week I felt hopeful. How could I not with these circumstances? But I was anxious about why I wasn't feeling anything. Yes, most of what I usually feel is due to the progesterone supplements, but it seemed wrong and I became more nervous the more time that passed. By Tuesday of the second week, I had a ball of dread in my stomach that this just hadn't worked. I cried once and then tried to let it go and plan ahead. I also kept hoping that I was wrong.

Then that Thursday, two days before my period was due and I would be taking the official test, I felt the telltale cramping in my lower back and I just broke. I had a huge cry and I texted Nicole from work to tell her that we should prepare for the worst, and we started talking about what to do next. I told her I'm just so not ready for IVF, that it scares me and is a last resort, but I'm also afraid of continuing to flush money if I just can't get pregnant this way. I also told her that I no longer wanted to move on so quickly to our known donor option. While that will be so much more cost-effective and could solve the problem by using fresh sperm, I feel so deeply and strongly that our child is meant to be connected to this donor. I never felt that with the previous donor. So she said immediately, then let's give him another chance.

Friday my cramping eased a bit, and I dared to hope. Had it just been implantation? Maybe? But I quickly squashed that, scolding myself for getting my hopes up even for a minute.

Friday night, on our way home from temple, Nicole asked me if I was wearing a new bra because my breasts looked a little bigger. I said no, and that I'd actually noticed that in the shower that morning. She said, "Do you think that means anything?" I said, "I mean I guess it could, but it's happened once before. It's probably just a side effect of the progesterone." She said, "You have an extra test at home still, right? Take one tonight just to see." I was excited that she had agreed to taking a home test before going in the next day for bloodwork, but a part of me was also nervous to have my last tiny flame of hope doused. I kind of wanted to have one more night to hold onto that before devastation set in.

I took the test downstairs while Nicole went upstairs to get ready for bed. I left it on the sink while I tidied up the kitchen for my sister's visit the next day. A few minutes later, with a rock in my stomach, I went into the bathroom, bracing myself and telling myself to keep it together, that it shouldn't be a surprise.

And there were the two lines. The second line was just as strong as the test line except for the very end of it that trailed off. My heart started racing and I ran up the stairs yelling, "Nicole! Nicole!" I burst into the bedroom and said, "I'm pregnant! It worked! It's positive!" She just grinned from ear-to-ear and said, "Are you serious? Let me see!" We hugged and squealed and then I immediately called my parents, still shaking and crying.

And this is when I realized the REAL benefit of having kept the cycle secret - being able to completely surprise the people we love and get a raw reaction from them, rather than having them be aware and waiting to hear. What a gift!