Faith is Going to the Office Without Wearing a Pad

Alternate title: Inside the Mind of an Otherwise Easygoing Woman Gone Completely Mad

Tuesday marked the last of my progesterone suppositories. I had been so looking forward to that day because I was so over the experience! For eight weeks I had been inserting them twice a day, putting on a pad, and then feeling it as it dissolved back out of me, drying into a chalky substance that would stick to my body and my clothes. Miserable! At least this time it felt like a worthy investment since I was actually pregnant. The four cycles that I was doing them for a week and a half before finding out I wasn’t even pregnant created a little more bitterness.

But what I hadn’t anticipated was the anxiety about whether my body was really making enough progesterone now. I know I was never that low (though I wasn’t given a starting number, just the very high number after starting the medication) so I tried to trust that there was no reason my placenta wouldn’t be taking over progesterone production. Both my fertility doctor and my OB had stated that if my placenta did NOT take over, then it just isn’t a viable pregnancy. So coming off the suppositories was like holding my breath, waiting to see if my body would hold onto my baby without medical support. 

But wait a second – my sister was still not producing enough progesterone at this point and was on shots until 37 weeks. So how can two different doctors both just shrug their shoulders that the pregnancy isn’t meant to be if the placenta isn’t taking over? My beautiful niece Felicity would not be here today if my sister’s doctor had had that reaction. Maybe it’s because my levels were high enough that it would be a true medical anomaly for me not to produce enough to support a pregnancy, whereas my sister struggled with dangerously low levels even on supplements? But why wouldn’t they just check my blood to make sure? How could they not take this more seriously?

The fertility clinic is overly cautious because so much is at stake in trying to achieve pregnancy for their clients, so my “just slightly low” levels may not have been levels that would even concern a regular doctor. Maybe I would have been just fine pregnant on my own. But now that I had been relying on the supplements, they had become like a crutch, and I was so afraid of what would happen when I had to go without them. I toyed with the idea of just finishing the box (another week and a half or so) but then worried about going against doctor’s orders and what might happen if I had too much progesterone in my system.

I have also been worried about the bleeding, because they keep assuming it’s just irritation from the suppositories. That could be hopeful in that it means it would now stop…but it also gave me reason to be nervous if it didn’t stop, because then that would mean it’s from something else.

So I’ve been anxious about if I bleed again, and also anxious about an impending miscarriage now that I was testing out my placenta. After about two or three days, I felt my fear turning into panic. I knew it took less than two days to get my period after coming off the progesterone during the failed cycles. I kept thinking I was feeling slight lower back pain or slight discomfort that could mean impending miscarriage. I don’t cramp during my periods, but I do get lower back pain and like a discomfort or mild awareness in my uterine area. That’s what I kept feeling like I was experiencing, but it was mild enough that I wasn’t sure if I was imagining it or if it was a normal part of pregnancy.

I started researching when the placenta takes over, and got nervous when I saw posts by women saying their doctors told them to take the supplements until 12 or 13 weeks. I came so close to taking another one just in case, and wondered if it would be in time to save my pregnancy and if I should then just take one every couple of days to have a little boost of extra progesterone in case my body just needs a little help. Then I called my fertility clinic and left a voicemail with the PA asking what my initial levels of progesterone were, hoping that the number would be high enough that I would be reassured that I really shouldn’t be concerned.

I fretted over those things but didn’t do anything, and soon it was Saturday and I was still pregnant. I realized that if it had been four days and I was still okay, that probably meant everything was fine and my placenta was doing the job. I also hadn’t had any bleeding yet. So Sunday I braved it by going to my friend’s son’s christening without a pad. I had to stop wearing one at SOME point! And isn’t that supposed to be a benefit of being pregnant, that you don’t have to mess with that stuff anymore? I told myself that everything seemed okay, and I couldn’t just live in a state of anxiety, and that wearing a pad 24/7 was proof that I was not trusting my body to take care of my baby.

Just that one act feels like a leap of faith, because if I were to bleed like I did less than a week ago, it could cause quite the embarrassing situation. And maybe that will happen, but I can't tell you how empowered I feel just by dropping the crutch and stepping out on my own. We will be okay.