The Secret Cycle

We kept this cycle private, so I'm writing about it as I go and will publish it all at once afterward, for better or worse.

Sunday August 10
At a cousin's wedding reception, I said something to my wife about having told most people that we aren't trying again until about December, while I secretly hope that we can try maybe in October but be able to keep it secret. My ever-practical, super money-conscious wife said, "Let's just do it. Put it on your credit card and we'll figure it out." I said, "Can we really?? If you're not 100% serious, tell me now, because I'm going to get this ball rolling!" We decided not to tell anyone so there's no pressure. What we saw as support the first four times now feels a little more stressful as we begin a fifth cycle. Fifth. It typically happens within three if it's going to happen, and doctors are talking IVF at this point. We're stressed and broke. And I just don't think we can emotionally handle constantly updating people and having them check in. Not this time. Not when we know it's our final attempt at insemination. I checked my period tracker app and noted that my period was due the next day, starting my next cycle just in time.

Monday August 11
Got my period - here we go! I knew that once I got the green light from my wife, I needed to take charge of it, only telling her details when she asks, so that she can lay back and trust me and not second guess herself. It's mutually understood that I have to keep her out of it until she's ready. So I did all the paperwork needed to order sperm from a new bank. My clinic and the bank communicated with me and with one another in record time, and by that afternoon, it was confirmed that the "specimen" would arrive at the clinic by Thursday.

Thursday August 14
FedEx notified me that the delivery was successful. OUR SPERM IS WAITING FOR US! I can't explain my attachment to this donor. It's odd and not something I've felt before. But I desperately want it to be him. I feel connected already and want him to share in the creation of our baby. I didn't feel anything like this with the last donor, and even though I tend not to be superstitious, I can't help but hope that's a sign and that maybe the first four didn't work because that person was not meant to be our donor.

Friday August 15
I slipped and told my best friend. I trust her implicitly and had a breakdown while visiting her and her baby today. She was so concerned and comforting that I felt like I had to tell her so that she knew there was hope on the horizon. I couldn't make her endure seeing me collapse and also have her feel pity that I can't try again for four months when I knew we were doing one more try now. I told her that I didn't want to talk about it or for her to ask about it, and so I wouldn't be telling her dates of when anything is happening, but that I just wanted her to know we're giving it one more go.

Wednesday August 20
I have one follicle at 12mm and my lining is not quite ready. It's only Day 10 so no one is very surprised by this, and I'm told to come back Friday. I told my wife that I'm positive that I'll be going in Saturday and Sunday, based on how it's tended to go for me in the past. This is amazing for two reasons. First, I'm not forced into disclosing to my supervisor when I have to suddenly take two days off of work, and I really didn't want to have to tell her we were trying again when our own families didn't know. Second, we had made peace with the fact that Nicole couldn't accompany me to the insemination appointments because it's in eastern Long Island and she just started a new job in Manhattan a month ago. It's too soon for her to have the luxury of coming in a few hours late two days in a row. What are the odds that this time it would happen on a weekend, BOTH days, so that she can be with me and we can really keep it secret?

Friday August 22
My PA was out, so a nurse I've never met was covering and did my sonogram. She was surprised that my 12mm follicle had grown to 18mm in just two days, and that my lining had thickened so nicely so quickly. I was not surprised. I've gotten to know my body's patterns, what cycles look like for me, much more intimately than I ever would have imagined. There was a second follicle at 12mm. (Only two this time, not the four I got last time - but that's kind of a comfort, because if my issue was really just incompatible sperm, I could easily end up with quadruplets once that's changed up!)

I told Nicole that I really thought I was right about it happening on the weekend, that my 18mm would probably be ready to pop Saturday, and after taking the trigger shot Friday, my 12mm would probably be ready Sunday. She said she was betting on Sunday and Monday. I started to doubt myself and fretted about what I have going on at work Monday morning. Then I got the call to take the shot at 8:30 or 9:00PM, go in at 9:30 Saturday for insemination, and then go back for a second Sunday at 8:30. PERFECTION. So I took my syringe with me to Shabbat services and slipped out between the service and the oneg (dessert reception) to hide in the coat check area and give myself the shot before rejoining my community.

I'm hopeful all over again. I've been anxious, depressed, and emotional over this for so long. But now that I'm really scheduled to go out there, and I have a different vision and connection with a new donor, I'm feeling so excited and hopeful. On an intellectual level, I'm nervous about my optimism because I know the crash could be really bad. But my feelings just are what they are. I can't seem to prevent myself from being utterly devastated. It helps already, though, not to be talking about it. Knowing I can give people constant updates feeds an obsession that just isn't good for me at this point in the game. I need to be able to focus elsewhere whenever possible, and that's easier to do when it's not an available topic of conversation.

Saturday August 23
Apparently my PA was out yesterday because she's working this weekend!! She was covering at the Melville clinic. She came into the room so cheerful and hugged me, saying, "I can't believe I get to do not just one, but BOTH of your inseminations this time! Maybe it will be a good luck charm!" She is the one who has been dealing with me since the beginning (except for the few times Dr. K made an appearance for the cyst and "the talk" after three failed cycles), who has seen my gamut of emotions, who has been like a psuedo-therapist while I'm crying during bloodwork after getting a negative home test. And she was so genuinely happy to be out in Melville today and able to do my IUIs herself. And I felt like she was more invested in it because she isn't just the random Melville nurse who happens to get me, but someone who has been with me all along the journey and knows how much is at stake with this attempt.

She was kind and attentive to a greater degree than the nurses who have done my IUIs up to now. And they were sweet and put me greatly at ease, too! But she just took it to another level of sensitivity, maybe because she actually knows me. She explained everything she was doing and why, and immediately afterward, she pulled the little leaf out that I could rest my feet on and pulled the sheet down to preserve my modesty while I put my feet up. Such a small detail, but something no one else has done; I'm usually awkwardly scrambling after they put the stirrups away because my feet are just kind of flailing and I'm trying to scoot back so I can put them up and lay flat.

My big follicle was nice and mature, but she said the second wasn't growing and didn't look viable. That's fine with me since they didn't miss the big one like they did last time! I was surprised that my body responded so much to this very low dose of Clomid last time (4 eggs) and this time, not so much. But I was okay with that because if the sperm was really the only issue and I'll get pregnant easily with this new donor, I don't want to end up with multiples! One good egg is perfect if this is the sperm that gets it done.

And speaking of which...there were 20 MILLION! We are using California Cryobank, which is more expensive but has already given us a more professional and impressive experience, and the PA said she really feels like their samples are better and they screen their donors more selectively so she always recommends them. I told her we had used Manhattan Cryo because our friend had used them and got pregnant the first time, so we had just assumed it must be good! But I had most vials with only about 8 million in them, one with 10, and one with 15. The 15 was such an anomaly - and here we got 20 the first time! It could also be an anomaly, and maybe tomorrow there will only be 9. But right now I'm pretty damn happy.

Sunday August 24
24 MILLION!!!! That is all.

Sunday September 7
It's hard for me to take time to blog on work nights, and my sister, brother-in-law, and baby niece have been visiting over the weekend, so I haven't been great about updating live. But let me recap the torturous two-week wait.

The first week I felt hopeful. How could I not with these circumstances? But I was anxious about why I wasn't feeling anything. Yes, most of what I usually feel is due to the progesterone supplements, but it seemed wrong and I became more nervous the more time that passed. By Tuesday of the second week, I had a ball of dread in my stomach that this just hadn't worked. I cried once and then tried to let it go and plan ahead. I also kept hoping that I was wrong.

Then that Thursday, two days before my period was due and I would be taking the official test, I felt the telltale cramping in my lower back and I just broke. I had a huge cry and I texted Nicole from work to tell her that we should prepare for the worst, and we started talking about what to do next. I told her I'm just so not ready for IVF, that it scares me and is a last resort, but I'm also afraid of continuing to flush money if I just can't get pregnant this way. I also told her that I no longer wanted to move on so quickly to our known donor option. While that will be so much more cost-effective and could solve the problem by using fresh sperm, I feel so deeply and strongly that our child is meant to be connected to this donor. I never felt that with the previous donor. So she said immediately, then let's give him another chance.

Friday my cramping eased a bit, and I dared to hope. Had it just been implantation? Maybe? But I quickly squashed that, scolding myself for getting my hopes up even for a minute.

Friday night, on our way home from temple, Nicole asked me if I was wearing a new bra because my breasts looked a little bigger. I said no, and that I'd actually noticed that in the shower that morning. She said, "Do you think that means anything?" I said, "I mean I guess it could, but it's happened once before. It's probably just a side effect of the progesterone." She said, "You have an extra test at home still, right? Take one tonight just to see." I was excited that she had agreed to taking a home test before going in the next day for bloodwork, but a part of me was also nervous to have my last tiny flame of hope doused. I kind of wanted to have one more night to hold onto that before devastation set in.

I took the test downstairs while Nicole went upstairs to get ready for bed. I left it on the sink while I tidied up the kitchen for my sister's visit the next day. A few minutes later, with a rock in my stomach, I went into the bathroom, bracing myself and telling myself to keep it together, that it shouldn't be a surprise.

And there were the two lines. The second line was just as strong as the test line except for the very end of it that trailed off. My heart started racing and I ran up the stairs yelling, "Nicole! Nicole!" I burst into the bedroom and said, "I'm pregnant! It worked! It's positive!" She just grinned from ear-to-ear and said, "Are you serious? Let me see!" We hugged and squealed and then I immediately called my parents, still shaking and crying.

And this is when I realized the REAL benefit of having kept the cycle secret - being able to completely surprise the people we love and get a raw reaction from them, rather than having them be aware and waiting to hear. What a gift!