Round 4 and Still a Mess

I was okay for a while, really. I was very optimistic that we'd given ourselves the best chance we could, but also knew that the worst case scenario still meant knowing what to do next. I haven't felt any symptoms this time - no nipple soreness or breast tenderness from the progesterone, which is a first. A little odd, and I guess that COULD make me freak out, but honestly I just saw it as, "well at least something's different this time!" and kind of let it go.

Then this morning my lower back started aching, and it got progressively worse throughout the day. Nicole and I took a walk through town after dinner since the weather is cool and gorgeous, and that eased it a bit, and then it got worse again after I got home. I'm over a week from when my period would be due, so that can't be it. And it's pretty severe.

So that's when I did The Dreaded Thing. The thing everyone warns me against, and that I know I shouldn't do.

I Googled.

I Googled "early signs of conception within one week of fertilization" and saw this:

"Backache
Backache is a similar symptom as cramping.  Some women just feel this aching in their backs.  When implantation takes place the egg burrows into the lining of the uterus.  This process can cause cramping and other aches and pains, like a low backache.  A backache around the time of implantation could be an early sign of conception. Early symptoms, the ones that happen shortly after conception, tend to feel like PMS but more exaggerated."

It's been seven days. Implantation occurs between seven and ten days after. It's just ever so possible. And yet I know that I have taken things as indicators in the last cycles that clearly weren't. I know that it's too early to really know anything. I know that I will never have an explanation for some of the other "symptoms" in previous cycles, so no matter how much I talk myself into this meaning something because it can't be random...it may mean nothing and just be random. I know all of that, yet I can't help it. My mind and my heart are made for hope, and I had quite a bit of it before this even happened. 

I'm approaching this with caution, of course. Part of me feels a sense of dread about even having something to overthink. I was more relaxed when there was nothing.