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Thursday, May 15, 2014

Can't Stop Myself!!!

I've been pretty chill for the past week. I've gone the majority of my days without thinking about this, and have been very productive and focused at work. My wife also was just offered (and accepted) a new job, so I've been caught up in helping her deal with indecisiveness and anxiety and insecurity and grief. I've been comforting her and reassuring her and encouraging her. In fact, I've gotten so swept up in actual life that it seems like my IUI procedure was WAY more than a week ago. All of a sudden I'll realize how many days I still have left before I find out, and it seems impossibly far away. Not even because I'm anxious, but simply because it feels like how could it have only been a week? It's such a distant memory!

So I've been good with not trying to think about symptoms etc. We set up a game plan for if it doesn't happen this time, and I've been in a place of mostly assuming it hasn't. A place of resignation. Even when I had a sharp pain in my lower right abdomen a few days ago that had me almost doubled over while walking down the hall at work. Because really, what could that be? Yes, it was in the right spot, but whatever is potentially happening in there is microscopic. So it had to be random. Then when I felt a pinching feeling there today, same thing. That's not something I've ever heard about, and it just doesn't make sense that I'd be feeling something like that.

Then today I was running down the subway stairs to catch a train and my breasts were so sore as they bounced. I'm an A cup, people. Bouncing is very minimal and doesn't hurt or bother me in the slightest. Even at home, as I walk around, they are sore. But not to the touch. I try pressing on them and don't feel much, but just moving around, they feel very tender. And oddly, much of the tenderness is at the sides, which is not a typical place I feel it when I get some sensitivity around my period. But I'm on progesterone supplements, so this isn't anything to overthink, and certainly not anything to trust.

So why am I starting to feel that dreaded glimmer of hope? I've done so well for a week!! And now the next week may slowly become torment again, followed by a horrible crash. I'm setting myself up to be a disappointed fool again, but I can't seem to help it.

2 comments:

  1. I'm praying and praying that you WON'T be disappointed!! We'll deal w/it if it's bad news - but you gotta have hope!! I love you guys!!

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  2. Well just so you know, you're totally, completely normal!

    ReplyDelete