Am I Supposed to be Envious and Bitter?

Many people have extended sympathy to me around events like Mother's Day, the birth of my niece, and baby showers. They say, "I know that must be hard for you." Or they avoid saying it to me because they're nervous to provoke an emotional outpouring from me, so they say it to Nicole. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me that these things DON'T bother me. At all.

My niece has made me an aunt and has allowed me the opportunity to watch my sister become a beautiful mother. My heart soared at knowing Felicity was in the world, and at seeing my sister's much-fought-for dream come true. This little girl has added so much light to my life.

Mother's Day felt like it does every year; it gave me an opportunity to appreciate my mother and mother-in-law, and didn't feel like something that was supposed to be for ME. And this year it allowed me to appreciate and feel excited about my sister and best friend being honored on this day for the first time. It doesn't apply to me yet, so I just didn't think of myself.

Baby showers give me the chance to celebrate something momentous in the lives of people close to me. I just glow watching my friends smile and soak it up. This is their moment.

Am I supposed to be envious? Am I supposed to begrudge others their joy because I'm not there yet? Because I just don't. It doesn't ever feel like it's about me in any way, no more than it ever has. Maybe this is because I've only begun trying recently, and while frustrated, I'm certainly not at a point where I feel like it's an all-consuming stressor, or where I am doubting whether it will ever happen for me.

Maybe it's like being at a wedding when you're single at 36 after a lifetime of failed relationships, versus being at a wedding when you're in a relationship but not engaged yet. The first person may be a little more emotional or sensitive because they have truly started to wonder whether this will ever happen for them and are having a tough time watching it seemingly happen for everyone else, while the second person is confident of marriage being their imminent path so it doesn't bother them in the same way. I know we will be parents, and I feel pretty confident that this will happen through pregnancy. And in the meantime, the rest of life goes on and I feel only joy at being part of the lives of my friends and family, no matter what their journeys and what they have.

Now ask me again in six months, and maybe my answer will be different!