Not so much.
The PA was the one to take my blood today, seemingly because they didn't have any sonogram patients but the phlebotomist was with another patient. (They know you have to go to work after these appointments.) She told me she was crossing her fingers and hoping for the best, and when I saw her sweet and excited smile, I started to tear up. I told her that I wasn't very optimistic because I'd taken a test that was negative. She said, "When did you take it?" and I said, "this morning," and she said, "...oh." Clearly she was not optimistic anymore either. So then I said I felt silly for having come in so confident that it wouldn't take me very long because they told me I seem healthy and fertile. She said, "I know it's hard to be patient," and I said, "and expensive, too." She said, "Yes, and expensive." Sometimes I feel the need to remind them that I'm paying out of pocket for this. My "healthy, fertile" state means I have no insurance coverage, and they're not used to that. Not for insemination, anyway. (IVF is a different story.) About 90% of me is disappointed about still not being pregnant when I'd become so convinced and felt sooooo excited and ready, and the other 10% of me feels the pressure of an additional $3000 for each attempt. It feels like $6000 has already been flushed down the toilet, since nothing came of those attempts.
I told the PA that the last two vials had only had 8 million motile sperm so now we have the additional stress of wondering whether we need to switch banks and donors. She said, "For you, 8 million is plenty. You're fine with that." What does she mean, "for me"? If I had different fertility struggles, would it be more important to have more? Is 8 million motile sperm a good amount for the average person? I don't know, but it was reassuring. She said to reach out to the bank to try to get some sort of compensation if it's less than their guarantee, but that she sees no issue with continuing with this donor.
All of a sudden I realized she was bandaging up my arm and I'd had no awareness of her taking blood. Having blood drawn is always a horrendous process for me. It hurts so much in a way that makes me squeamish, but I hadn't even noticed. Either she's just that good because she's a PA, or sobbing and having therapy during it kept me distracted!
I fought tears off and on all morning until I gave in around 10:30 and went to talk to a coworker who had revealed to me that she'd needed IUI to get pregnant. I felt comfortable bawling my eyes out to her because I knew she knew what it's like. She told me that it took her five cycles to get pregnant and not to get discouraged yet, though my emotions are completely normal. She said that she isn't sure whether this was too awkwardly spiritual for her to say, but that she tells herself her daughter wouldn't be her daughter if the pregnancy had taken at any previous cycle, and that she knows this child is who was meant to join her family. Our friends A&A said the same thing today when we sent a group text among the four of us. One of them got pregnant the first time, but it took the other five YEARS, and she said her son wouldn't be her son if it hadn't happened that way. It makes total sense, but without the kid here, it's difficult to find much comfort in that. But it IS a reminder that our baby will join our family when it's ready. And it's okay to cry here and there until that happens.
Meanwhile, as a general rule, if you see a fresh pedicure on my toes and a Frapuccino in my hands, you may want to tiptoe in the other direction.
A&A - ha! I like that. But I think you may have gotten the 5 cycles mixed up with almost 5 years. Hang in there doll! You sound as healthy as you could sound under these circumstances. Remember to keep loving yourselves and each other!
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