Patiently Waiting

Last month I went to an appointment with my fertility doctor to discuss my surgery. This was how it was presented to me, that I should come in to discuss and plan the surgery now that my sonogram results were in. I expected it to just be a conversation. However, as soon as the doctor called me back, she told me to go ahead and empty my bladder so they could do one more transvaginal sonogram. I deflated. AGAIN? This would be my fourth time being invaded in stirrups in five or six weeks, and was it really necessary or were they just wanting a little something extra to bill my insurance company for? I asked what the reason was, and she said that she wanted to confirm the cyst was still there because it would be pointless to discuss and schedule surgery if not. I vividly recalled her saying on the phone that my cyst was 7cm and that anything over 5cm is not likely to just go away on its own. So I said, "Is that really a possibility? That it would have just disappeared in two weeks?" She said, "It's very unlikely, but stranger things have happened and we should just make sure before planning surgery." Okay...

She took several pictures and then we met in her office where she showed me the cyst in the photos. She said that because of its positioning, all you can see is black where the cyst is and you can't tell whether it's on the ovary or on the tube. I get that, but when she did the initial sonogram on October 11, she referred me to a radiologist for more extensive sonography precisely because she wanted to be able to determine this. So I'm not sure why that 20-minute tense exercise was necessary if it seemingly didn't give her any more clarity than she had from the initial one! I'd now had THREE transvaginal sonograms over the course of a month only to hear the same thing: "Yep, that's a big cyst, but it's hard to say what exactly it's on." I'm trying really hard to be patient and to remember that I'm not the expert here, that I'm not a medical professional, but I was already becoming a little disillusioned with the medical industry and it hadn't even been a month into our journey!

She then talked to me about the different possibilities of what could be going on in my body and what they would do in each scenario. She used a little model uterus that showed all kinds of fertility issues and pointed at it to help me understand. If the cyst is on my ovary, they will just remove it. If it's on my tube, they will remove it but will need to check out the tube. If my tube is engorged, they will remove it completely, or if there is scarring, they will just sever it. Basically if it is engorged, it is drawing fluid off the uterus (I assume this is all due to the cyst) and that would make a pregnancy difficult to "take." So the egg may be fertilized, but the embryo may not be able to attach or stay attached. She asked if I was okay with all of these scenarios and the plan, and I said yes. Honestly what it came down to is us starting a family. That's the bigger picture. Bigger even than pregnancy or a baby. I want family and this is the most direct and affordable route (within the fidelity of our marriage, anyway!) so I want optimal conditions for making that happen. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment and failure because the idea of having something REMOVED FROM MY BODY is freaking me out a little.

The surgery will be laparascopic, and they will do everything they can while they're in there to set me up for success. She will check me out for endometriosis and clean me out if that's an issue. She will put something in my uterus transvaginally (breaching the cervix?? *hyperventilates*) to check for polyps and remove those if they're in there. Basically she will do/check for anything that can only be done this way while she's in there to make maximum use of an invasive procedure. The recovery is about a week. I will probably feel fine before that, but my post-op exam will be in a week and I shouldn't go to work before that.

Now to schedule it. Scheduling has been a nightmare! Everything depends on where I am in my cycle which means a lot of patient waiting. It would be ideal to remove the cyst while I'm on my period (not sure why), but because they will be going into my uterus to look around too, they want me to be off my period. So she instructed me to call as soon as I got my next period and they would schedule it for eight to ten days after that. If she was booked up at that time and had to wait, say, three weeks, she would put me on the birth control pill to halt my cycle until she can get to me. I wasn't thrilled about that, but if that's the only way you can do something that requires such precise planning, I am keeping my eye on the prize and sucking up a lot.

So I waited for my period, which was due around November 20. I was hoping it would not come late because I am going to visit my family in South Carolina on December 12 and wanted the surgery and recovery to be behind me by then. If it cut it too close, I'd have to put it off for another cycle, and I'm just so eager to get this moving. I was thrilled to start my period on Saturday, November 16, and I waited anxiously until Monday morning to call and schedule. I was told the scheduler was out that day (no one can schedule surgery in her absence??) so I had to wait another day and called her on Tuesday. I was now on Day 4 already. She told me that the OR was booked next week because of Thanksgiving (I'm assuming she means it's understaffed that week so they can do fewer surgeries) so we should just wait until my next cycle.

My heart absolutely sank. I said, "What about the plan to put me on the pill til the doctor can get to me?" She said with great sympathy, "I know it's frustrating, but she doesn't want to do that if she can avoid it, so we should really just wait." I said, "Okay, but my next one would be due with a Day 8 or 10 landing Christmas week, so wouldn't the same problem arise?" She said, "No, I promise you we will book you." How can she promise that? If the doctor's schedule is full or the OR is full, what can she do about it? I really, really don't want to wait yet another month!!

I should be getting my next period right before I leave for SC, which would make Days 8 to 10 land right around when we get back. This is not ideal work-wise since I will just be coming back from vacation and it would mean my recovery would run into Christmas, which is a tough time for coverage at the office. But I am making it happen. We are actually seriously planning on aiming for February for our first attempt at conception, and we can't even plan that until this is taken care of. No, it won't be the end of the world if we have to push it off a month or two. But I have been aching for our child for two years now, and Nicole is really on board now which makes me want to leap!

One thing at a time, though. I waited every day to get my period in order to go for the first sonogram, then waited every day to get my next one to try to schedule the surgery, and now am waiting every day to try again! This is excruciating. I generally enjoy the torturous anticipation of a gift or vacation or special event - but we don't know what is on the other side of this yet, which makes the waiting less enjoyable! I just want to know what we're up against and get started.

Our hearts are ready to welcome you into our lives, little baby, but I have to make sure your nesting place is healthy and safe and ready to go. Soon!!!