wedding

wedding

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Back on the Wagon

In 2007 I joined Weight Watchers and lost 30 pounds. I had never dieted before, and my weight had just been steadily increasing throughout my life. At 23 years old and 185 pounds, my doctor warned me that I was pre-diabetic. My mother and my grandmother both developed diabetes, and this was a huge wake-up call to me. I never thought I ate that badly, and while I would have liked to be smaller, 185 didn't seem like the end of the world to me. But now I learned that my constant thirst that made it imperative to have a water bottle anytime I left the apartment, my frequent urination, and my sporadic lightheadedness/dizziness weren't normal. I also knew that I just didn't feel that great about myself, and that I wanted something to change.

At 155 pounds, I felt great. I wasn't thin or flat-stomached by any means, but I felt confident, happy, and even attractive, which I hadn't really felt since high school. I don't gain weight in my hips or butt; I get a potbelly, my upper body gets even broader while my lower body stays narrow, and my "chin" gets very big very quickly. My most self-conscious attributes are amplified when I gain weight, so the converse does wonders for how comfortable I feel in my own skin. I didn't need to look like a model. I didn't need a different, more voluptuous/feminine shape. I embraced the basis of who I was. Weighing 155 made me feel on top of the world. I might as well have been 125 for how happy I was.

I stopped going to meetings and eventually got lazy about tracking what I ate. I was in a new relationship and lost my focus. However, I had learned enough healthy habits that I was able to maintain it. I may have fluctuated some, hovering around 160 for a while, but seeing it go up would always help me check myself and I certainly never went back near 185.

After my partner left me suddenly and traumatically, I couldn't eat for a week. The only thing my body craved was fruit and dairy; anything else made me feel like I would throw up just looking at it. I recovered enough to resume normal eating, but not before dropping ten pounds in just over a week and weighing my lowest at 150. By the time I got to the anger stage, I took great pride in this, which I was now maintaining through healthy, well-rounded eating habits rather than trauma-induced undereating. I maintained it almost effortlessly, because it was the only thing I felt in control of. She may have turned my entire world upside down, and maybe everything else felt awful, but this, this felt good. This was something about me that I had daily control over that made me happy. I clung to that with everything I had.

My first official date with Nicole was a (clean, innocent) overnight trip to Northampton, MA. I remember feeling like we ate a ton of bad things while we were there, and I hadn't weighed myself in probably a month or so. I was feeling good, single and attractive enough, and I didn't want to lose control again. I went home after the trip and weighed myself: 148. I was absolutely elated. It was the best feeling in the world. I hadn't been in Weight Watchers for over a year, but I was still making good choices and had continued to lose on my own. My healthy weight range is 130-150, and this was the first time I saw myself go under 150. I was almost disappointed that I didn't get to goal while in Weight Watchers. My only rewards and praise were internal.

Since then, as my relationship developed with Nicole, I slowly gained much of my weight back. I really don't know how it happened. I can't pinpoint anything, and hindsight isn't helpful because it was so gradual. I don't know if we ate out a lot, or if I just felt comfortable and happy in life so I could let go of that One Thing that I'd been clinging to for contentment. I'm not sure. We lost some weight together for our engagement photos (maybe about 12 pounds) but then it came back again, and ironically we couldn't find the same motivation for our wedding. I spent a year and a half of my engagement talking about trying to lose weight by our wedding, and instead I buckled under my own pressure and sabotaged my success. Then when we didn't lose weight by our wedding (I was around 168 then), it was sort of like "screw it" right afterward. If my wedding couldn't motivate me, what could? I felt frustrated and disappointed in myself. I also felt a huge relief of pressure that I'd put on myself for well over a year, and I embraced the opportunity to not think about it so much for a while. Under these circumstances, I crept up to 175.

The breaking point was when we were packing for vacation two weeks ago. We brought out summer clothes to take to the beach, and almost nothing fit. I had a few shirts, but not a single pair of shorts. They weren't just tight--I couldn't even button them. I felt so ashamed, and also reminded of how unhappy I've been with my weight lately. How I feel awkward and self-conscious and avoid looking at myself in mirrors. If it was out of my control, maybe my feelings wouldn't be so intense. But I know I can do it, and that all it takes is a little bit of self-discipline. I hate feeling like I have no willpower.

The day we got back from vacation, I signed up for Weight Watchers online. It's only $19 per month, as opposed to the $40 it costs if you go to meetings. For that price I get what I really need right now, which is the points tracker. It's an app on my phone and makes it really easy to track everything I eat, no matter where I am. Nicole has been tracking informally alongside me; we have the same breakfast and pack identical snacks and lunches. We have both lost five pounds just since Sunday. It feels great, but I also feel impatient. I'm annoyed at how much weight I allowed to come back, and I know it's going to take a while to go back down. But I have to get there. I need to get back to at least 155, where I felt really secure in my own skin.

I feel an urgency to do this now. I've been playing around for too long. I want to re-create healthy eating habits that I can maintain throughout life and model for my children. I want my body to be healthy and as fertile as it can be. I want to feel good about myself before the insecurities I'll likely develop after childbirth. There will be enough body image issues to battle then, I'm sure. I don't need to add anything on top of that. I need to at least know I'm in the healthiest place that I can reasonably be before I add all those extra challenges. Posting it here is an an attempt to hold myself accountable.