Intro

Hello. My name is Rachel, and I have baby fever.

My wife Nicole and I have talked about starting to try for a baby in about a year. We used to gush about babies together, but as the time nears and the idea become more real, I become increasingly eager and impatient, and Nicole becomes increasingly nervous and avoidant. Nicole is an anxious personality, and I am much more mellow, so that is much of the reason. Like everyone who must or wishes to plan for a family (as opposed to suddenly and unexpectedly going down that route), we have many pre-baby goals. Several have already been checked off the list, but we have a few big ones left, and it's too much for Nicole to think about all at once. She would rather take each big step at a time, and then think about babies when we are 100% ready. I have always been a dreamer, and see no harm in letting my mind wander down that road. Anticipation is half the fun for me. Anticipation is nerve-wracking for Nicole.

Thus this blog. I need an outlet, and it is not Nicole's responsibility to meet this need. Her need is to keep her head clear for the other things we need to do without feeling overwhelmed at all that "should" happen before we start trying for a baby. My need is to be able to talk excitedly about the prospect with people who can share that excitement and will eagerly listen, even if that only ends up being my mother and my sister!

I'm not sure yet what form this blog will take, how it will be structured. I'm not sure how I will fill a year before we start trying, because I'm not the type to follow other blogs obsessively and plan every second of my future. Sure, I have a few ideas and preferences, but overall I'm open to the experience of life, which I believe will be my greatest teacher and will likely usurp most plans I do attempt to make anyway. That's generally how it happens for me. I'm very good at intellectualizing everything so that I feel comfortable, prepared, and in control, and then when reality comes, it brings me something entirely different. I'm okay with that.

I do know what I want from this blog long-term, and that is for it to remind me in the future of what I thought and felt throughout this process. I've long kept a private online journal, and I love going back and reading my old posts. They are descriptive and teeming with emotion, partially because I was dramatic and felt everything so intensely, as all teenagers and young adults do, but also simply because writing is my most comfortable and natural form of expression. When I go back and read entries, it puts me back in that frame of mind. I feel everything all over again, every joy and every heartbreak. Sure, I prefer to live in the moment rather than plan everything down to a tee, but I want to remember and be able to relive those moments. I find the memory of emotion to be muted and even largely inaccurate.

Everything moves too fast for a sentimental person such as myself, and I appreciate the opportunity to return to and revel in the small and big moments of my own life. I hope to create that here.